In the past words for this blog have come easy. Lately they have not.
I write when I am inspired. I write when I am convicted. I write when I am encouraged. But I don't write when I struggling. I don't write when I feel weak and hypocritical. I don't write when I am utterly consumed with myself.
This is about to change.
I am struggling with purity. I am struggling with pride. I am struggling with idolatry.
I have not glorified the Father through relationships that I have had here in Colombia. I have hurt people because of my selfishness. I have not made wise choices. I have increased the number of things I will one day have to share with my future wife.
I want to be a great teacher. I want to truly make this english program one of the best in Cartagena. I want people to notice the hard work we are doing and the lives that will be changed by these efforts.
While not always the most efficent, I work hard for this school. I work hard for the people who gave me this opportunity. I work hard for the kids. I work hard because it's my job and that is what I have been taught to do.
Now reading over this I know many would say that some of these things are not so bad. That every one has done a few things they might take back. That the desire to be recognized is natural. That being driven is admirable. But in this moment of vunerability, I want to say that I am done believing that.
I don't want to be "weak." I don't want to be "self-absorbed." I don't want to be "busy."
I want self-control. I want to be selfless. I want to be purposeful.
My faith is not lost. My faith is holding me together. My glory is not His purpose. My purpose is for His glory. Strength is not by my might. By His might I find my strength.
Does God truly need me to accomplish His will...no. But He has called us to be His hands and feet and for that I am willing. Please pray over these things in my life as I truly want nothing more than to see our Father exalted in everything I do. And sorry that I have let shame keep me away from this blog.
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